Customer : "I can't seem to connect to the Internet."
Tech Support : "Ah, right. What operating system are you running?"
Customer : "Netscape."
Tech Support : "No, what version of Windows are you using?"
Customer : "Uhhh...Hewlett Packard?"
Tech Support : "No, Right click on 'My Computer,' and select properties on the menu."
Customer : "Your computer? It's my computer!"
Tech Support : "No sir, I mean the little picture called 'My Computer' on your desktop."
Customer : "I don't see an icon called that on my desktop. I do see one called that on my screen."
Tech Support : "Right, just right click that, and choose Properties from the menu."
Customer : "Right click?"
Tech Support : "Just a moment, sir." (mutes phone) "AAAAAAAARGH."

Tech Support : "Tell me, is the cursor still there?"
Customer : "No, I'm alone right now."

Tech Support : "Are you reading an error message to me?"
Customer : "No, I'm reading an error message to you."

Tech Support : "Do you have 3 1/2 inch diskettes?"
Customer : "No, I only have 3 of them."

A customer calls the Help Desk first thing in the morning. . His computer will not boot. One of the techs went over to have a look and found that the hard disk had a bad sector. It would need to be replaced.

Technician : "The hard disk is bad. Are you backed up?"
Customer : "Yes!"

So the technician replaced the disk, hit the old one with a hammer, and threw it away.

Technician : "I'm done -- she's all yours."
Customer : (after playing with the system a bit) "I can't find any of my data."
Technician : "Right -- you'll have to restore it."
Customer : "What does 'restore' mean?"
Technician : "Uh, it means you have to RESTORE it from a copy."
Customer : "Copy? What copy?"
Technician : "The one you make every night."
Customer : "WE DON'T HAVE A COPY!!!"
Technician : "When I asked you if you were backed up, you said YES!"
Customer : "We ARE backed up! We're SO backed up that we haven't had time to make any recovery disks!"

Tech Support : "Ok, sir, please click on the 'gateway' tab."
Customer "You do know I have a Dell, right?"

Student : "I'm trying to log in as student and it's telling me 'access denied'."
Helpdesk : "Did you read the instructions posted on the front desk?"
Student : "Yes, and it's still not working."
Helpdesk : "Did you just type 'student' for the user name with no password?"
Student : "Yes. Is 'no password' one word or two?"

Email to Helpdesk : By the way, what does BTW stand for?

Customer: "I want to get the new Netscape from you people."
Tech Support: "I'll need to charge your account $30."
Customer: "What do you mean? I pay for this service."
Tech Support: "We're providing the registered version of Netscape. Netscape charges us, so we have to charge you."
Customer: "Well, my son is a socialist and I spent a year in Spain. What do you have to say to that?"
Uh....
Customer: "I thought so." [click]

Tech Support : "Hi, this is tech support. I was returning your support call."
Customer : "Sorry, we don't sell lobsters to the public."

Cut from an email support log:
This morning I tried to sign on and for a purple screen. After several tried with different browsers then I got the message you were down. I tried to exit. It went to a background with huge pixels and stuck. I mean no amount of rebooting would get rid of it. Finally I had to reset my wallpaper.

Tech Support : "ISP tech support, how may I help you?"
Customer : "Yes I was wondering if you could help me?"
Tech Support : "Well I can certainly try."
Customer : "Do you know those 55 gallon drums that they hold oil in?"
Tech Support : (blink) "Yes...I believe so."
Customer : "The ones that they have for trash cans at some places, but they originally have oil in them?"
Tech Support : "Ok, sir, I know what you are talking about."
Customer : "Well I was wondering if you could tell me why they chose that number?"
Tech Support : "What number, sir?"
Customer : "55."
Tech Support : "Sir, this is technical support for the Internet."
Customer : "Yes, I know."
Tech Support : "I am sorry sir, I guess I am just confused on how you think that I can help you."
Customer : "Well can you look it up and maybe put it on your web page?"
Tech Support : "No sir, I really couldn't. I don't have that type of time on my hands, nor would my system administrator allow me to put that sort of information up on our company web site."
Customer : "Ohh, ok."
Tech Support : "Have you tried searching the Internet yourself?"
Customer : "Yes. I am not very good at that sort of thing."
Tech Support : "I am sorry, sir -- there is nothing that I can do from here."
Customer : "Well, if you happen to come across it could you let me know?"
Tech Support : "Yeah, uh-huh, ok. If I find that I will let you know. Have a good day."

Customer : "Yes, I'd like to order the iron."
Tech Support : (blink) "Pardon?"
Customer : "I would like the iron."
Tech Support : "Ma'am, we fix computers here, not sell irons. Where did you get our phone number from?"
Customer : "Oh."
Tech Support : "Ma'am?"
Customer : "Yes."
Tech Support : "Where did you get our phone number?"
Customer : "From the TV!"
Tech Support : "A commercial?"
Customer : "No, the program!"
Tech Support : "WHICH program?"
Customer : "The one with the iron!"

Customer : "I have a complaint about this software."
Tech Support : "Ok, what seems to be the problem?"
Customer : "There's no seems about it! This software is junk."
Tech Support : "Can you be more specific, sir?"
Customer : "Whenever I type something, it makes red squiggly lines under the text. How the hell can I send someone an important letter with red lines all over it?"
Tech Support : (uses the mute button)

Helpdesk had a call from a user with a problem with his spell checker. The Operator walked him through fixing the problem and later sent a follow up email, asking if the problem was gone.

The following came back from the user:

Thanks for inquiring, the speel chicker warks fine.

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